At spiritual direction some months ago, I was expressing frustration at knowing it was time to move but not knowing what direction to go in. I was challenged not to use the unknown as an excuse for clinging on to that which holds me back.
A few years back, I was on a development programme and recall speaking about "letting myself of the hook" for dwelling in hurt for too long. I recognised then too that it was time to take the next step. I also recall a moment at the end of a relationship where I chose not to look back. Only recently did I realise that at that moment, I physically acknowledged that I had moved on. I didn't take the cue to also let go.
Joyce Rupp says, "When we learn how to say goodbye we truly learn how to say to ourselves and others: 'Go, God be with you. I entrust you to God. The God of strength, courage, comfort, hope, love, is with you. The God who promises to wipe away all tears will hold you close and will fill your emptiness. Let go and be free to move on.'"
On a recent pilgrimage I was asked by another pilgrim for tips. I said "Trust the Way". In clinging to that which holds me back, I am refusing to trust what brings me forward. On that same pilgrimage I walked for a day with pebbles representing challenges in my life. I prayed with them and laid them down. A few hours in, I realised that I hadn't picked up a pebble for a particular challenge which dominated my consciousness and behaviour for years. It was hugely liberating to realise that I was no longer holding it so tightly. It is not that the behaviour has disappeared but not clinging to it so deeply as part of who I am, is a huge relief and indeed cause for celebration. For me it signifies that I will stop letting it define me or allow it to prevent me from realising my potential. I had been waiting for the strength and capacity to resolve the difficulty before allowing myself to be best self. Now I feel that in moving on I can regain my sense of who I am meant to be and this challenge will either be something I bring with me or something I gain the strength to overcome along the way. It is not, however and thank God, who I am.
Like forgiveness, it is not something I can do myself. It is a grace I must ask for. I do this every day and yet at some point fall back into old destructive behaviours, feel failure and guilt, comfort myself with worldly things. And it is hard not to get down about this. So I pray to see myself as God does, a beloved child.
In his book, the Inner Voice of love Nouwen says, "Trust the inner voice". He asks, 'Do you really want to be converted? Are you willing to be transformed?
Or do you keep clutching your old ways of life with one hand while with the
other you beg people to help you change?
Conversion is
certainly not something you can bring about yourself. It is not a question of
will-power. You have to trust the inner voice that shows the way. You know that
inner voice. You turn to it often. But after you have heard with clarity what
you are asked to do, you start raising questions, fabricating objections, and
seeking everyone else’s opinion. Thus you become entangled in countless often
contradictory thoughts, feelings, and ideas and lose touch with the God in you.
And you end up dependent on all the people you have gathered around you. Only
by attending constantly to the inner voice can you be converted to a new life
of freedom and joy.'
I guess I'm now at the stage where I hear that voice as one of love and encouragement. I still often behave to the contrary, like a petulant child but on every single momentary occasion when I do listen, I thank God for the support and guidance. It's a step.
