In Jesus' Name

I'm living from the heart,

at least trying to make a start-

& for the most part-

I'm searching for meaning,

a way of believing,

Of fully being.

Not waiting

for it all to pass me by

'til one day I'd ask why:

Why I shied away from asking

what it was all about,

& I'd never sought out

Real purpose.

Never asked. Never looked.

Or just stopped and took

Time

to really listen

find my own bliss and

do as I was christened to do-

To seek more;

To let my heart soar,

my whole being roar;

Unleash my true soul for...

You?

I ain't got nothin' to prove

We are each greatly loved. So it says in the bible anyway. Me being me though, I struggle with the whole thing. I desire to be loved- possibly me deepest desire- but I struggle with believing I'm worthy. I grew up trying to prove my worth- in an all singing, all dancing, all studying, hard working and attention seeking kind of way.

As these things tend to do,all my trying to prove myself came crashing down. Kahlil Gibran tells us that "Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding". My mother's words at this time "it's not what you do but who you are that counts" heralded an acceptance of my fatigue with all this trying to prove myself. And so my spiritual struggle to find meaning and worth that doesn't come from activity and achievement began. A friend recently passed on the following gem from her reading: achievement comes from what we do for ourselves; meaning comes from what we do for others.

I've been told to listen/obey when I say "I am not worthy to receive you [I is old skool], but say the word and I shall be healed". So I'm trying to spend a little more time with the Word:

" I am the Lord, your God...Because you are precious in my eyes 
and glorious, and because I love you" Isaiah 43:4

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you" Jeremiah 31:3

And of course:

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete." John 15: 9-11

Henri Nouwen (my current guru) talks about the temptation of Jesus in the following terms: 

"Jesus, however, is very clear in his response [to the devil]: “I don’t have to prove that I am worthy of love. I am the Beloved of God, the One on whom God’s favor rests.” It was that victory over the “Tempter” that set Jesus free to choose for the compassionate life. O God, help me know that I am your beloved child." -Journey of the Heart Lenten Reflections at p.5 

He goes on to say that we are worth more than the result of our efforts and I suppose that's because from way back in the beginning (Genesis 1:27), we were made in his image. It is by virtue of the beauty, fragility and truth of our common humanity that we are loved by God. You can use humanist rights language for this same concept if it sits better.

May you recognize in your life, the presence, power and light of your soul.
May you realize that you are never alone,
That your soul in its brightness and belonging
connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe.
May you have respect for your own individuality and difference.
May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique,
that you have a special destiny here,
That behind the facade of your life
there is something beautiful, good, and eternal happening.
May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride,
and expectation with which God sees you in every moment. 

- John O'Donohue's A Blessing of Solitude in Anam Cara 

Etty Hillesum, a Jewish woman murdered in Auschwitz came to her own sense of faith unconstrained by orthodox teachings. Her faith was based on trust, intuition and reflection. She wrote:

There is a really deep well inside me. And in it dwells God. Sometimes I am there too. But more often stones and grit block the well, and God is buried beneath. Then God must be dug out again.

So we dig God out. Or at least make an effort in that direction. Basil Hume, Benedictine Archbishop of Westminster from 1976 to 1998 says, "It is helpful to remember that wanting to love God may well be as far as we can go." (To Be a Pilgrim at p.31)

Let us therefore love god, because God first hath loved us

1 John 4:19

Hume continues, "[w]e have to hang on to the fact of God's love for us. That demands courage and tenacity" (emphasis added). Jesus says to us "Take courage! It is I" and when fear or circumstances diminish our faith and we cry out for help, as did Peter in Matthew 14: 22-33, He immediately reaches out to catch us telling us there is no need to doubt.

I'll finish with this: It seems that all we have to do in order to experience God's love is to choose to come home to Him. We can even go squander his money on all sorts of less than virtuous things (as did the Prodigal Son in Luke 15: 11-32) and He will still welcome us with open arms.

Now that that's all worked out, I just have to come to believe it.  

Lord, I believe;help my unbeliefMark 9:24

St Patrick's Confession

My faith is incomplete, I try to believe and take comfort from a bigger picture, an undying love of someone more powerful- beyond- us as humans. And so I like the prayer from Mark 9:24- "“I believe; help my unbelief!”

The excerpt from St. Patrick's confession below is comforting since it says that though I may not yet know, understand, trust or  even believe in God, He still loves, guides and cares for me.

My self-esteem isn't always the greatest- I can feel unworthy. Spotted this on another blog recently:

Giving makes us feel good. Receiving can, too, although we may also wonder if we’ve done enough to deserve a gift from a friend, relative, or even a complete stranger. Receiving can be an act of vulnerability; it can take humility to be a good receiver.

And so I'm back to humility as per previous post (for the overachiever). And vulnerability- This Brené Brown's TED talk on that really resonates for me. I  wear my heart on my sleeve a bit which can enhance that sense of vulnerability. Psalm 23 talks about where all one's enemies can see, God prepares for us a banquet and honours us and so "I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life; and your house will be my home as long as I live". I believe that it is through our fragility that we encounter a common humanity and can be truly compassionate. Doesn't mean it's not frightening but sure "Be not afraid, I am with you always"

So I keep trying

"...It was among foreigners that it was seen how little I was.

It was there that the Lord opened up my awareness of my lack of faith. Even though it came about late, I recognised my failings. So I turned with all my heart to the Lord my God, and he looked down on my lowliness and had mercy on my youthful ignorance. He guarded me before I knew him, and before I came to wisdom and could distinguish between good and evil. He protected me and consoled me as a father does for his son..."

http://www.confessio.ie/etexts/confessio_english#01

Patient Trust

From assabireen.wordpress.com 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient with everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient with being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability -
and that it may take a very long time,
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually – let them grow,
Let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
as though you could be today what time,
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that His hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, S.J.

I find this to be so contemporary that cannot believe this man died in 1955. Also, I kinda love the Jesuits- this one was a paleontologist if you don't mind :) And for good measure he got his knuckles wrapped by the vatican for thinking outside the dogma. You'd wonder about those lot in Rome sometimes...

Lessons for the Over-Achiever

A lot of the spiritual insights I have encountered lately relate to humility (from humous- clay of the earth). Apart from the need to remain grounded- for me important as in theory  it should stop me going into a headspin about all I have to do etc- it is a reminder that ego doesn't serve us. I am in the process of making a career decision and I see the reminders to be humble as steering me away from factors related to career status and acclaim.

I have been trying to pray during lent- take time each day to sit still, reflect, express gratitude and ask for wisdom. (It hasn't gone so well in the last fortnight, by the by). I have directed toward the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector where the latter's humility in prayer is praised and contrasted against the pharisee's "Thanks that I'm so brilliant" - something of a paraphrase of Luke 18: 9 - 14. I was also pointed to Matthew 11: 28-30:

"Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest... [L]earn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit".

Sacredspace.ie is a great resource  at any time of year but at the moment there's an online retreat available for Lent. The introduction to the retreat includes these words:

This Lenten retreat invites you to remain in the love of him who bows and bends low before you. Ponder and be moved by the One who becomes humble and poor, who goes down the ladder of human promotion instead of up, and who stoops in love before his disciples and before you in order to wash your feet.

Yesterday then, the following reflection was included in a mass leaflet. This is from Archbishop Oscar Romero of San Salvador who was assassinated in 1980 having called on government soldiers to stop carrying out human rights violations. His whole story is fascinating and heartbreaking. This reflection allows us to view our life's work as but part a tiny part of a bigger picture, and humility is necessary in accepting this.

It helps, now and then, to step backand take the long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of
the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete,
which is another way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything
and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for God’s grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results,
but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders,
ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen."