Edwina Gately's Balance

So much struggling –

realizing that I need a balance

between reaching out and reaching in.

I need to do some things just for me,

like paint and play

and read and build sandcastles.

I need to stop for a long time

to think about that.

Where did I miss it? Lose it?

For joy is the centre of ministry.

Joy should precede ministry,

nurture it and fulfil it.

But I am so intense about ministry,

and take it so solemnly

(as if I were responsible for it)

that I become weighed down,

by its ups and downs,

its disappointments and its failures.

I suffocate joy with

seriousness …

I imagine everything depends on me –

when everything is God’s business,

and God has already taken care of

all her creation

and all her people.

We are only to talk with each other

be with each other,

love each other,

God’s is the healing, the growing, and the fulfilling.

When I lose perspective

and imagine everything,

(or most things)

revolving around myself,

I make myself

a little god,

and lose my joy.

For I was never made

to be a little god – only

to be loved

by the Great God.

Perhaps I am too busy

trying to love other people

instead of learning to love myself.

When I can do that

I might begin to understand

how great God’s love is.

When I go through

darkness, heaviness and anxiety,

it is God’s invitation

for me to stop

looking outwards

and start

looking inwards.

And be loving and gentle

with myself.

I am called to minister

for my own joy.

When my joy diminishes,

so does my ministry.

When I have fun and

enjoy myself

God does.

Then I am most like God –

Who is joy!