I ain't got nothin' to prove

We are each greatly loved. So it says in the bible anyway. Me being me though, I struggle with the whole thing. I desire to be loved- possibly me deepest desire- but I struggle with believing I'm worthy. I grew up trying to prove my worth- in an all singing, all dancing, all studying, hard working and attention seeking kind of way.

As these things tend to do,all my trying to prove myself came crashing down. Kahlil Gibran tells us that "Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding". My mother's words at this time "it's not what you do but who you are that counts" heralded an acceptance of my fatigue with all this trying to prove myself. And so my spiritual struggle to find meaning and worth that doesn't come from activity and achievement began. A friend recently passed on the following gem from her reading: achievement comes from what we do for ourselves; meaning comes from what we do for others.

I've been told to listen/obey when I say "I am not worthy to receive you [I is old skool], but say the word and I shall be healed". So I'm trying to spend a little more time with the Word:

" I am the Lord, your God...Because you are precious in my eyes 
and glorious, and because I love you" Isaiah 43:4

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you" Jeremiah 31:3

And of course:

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete." John 15: 9-11

Henri Nouwen (my current guru) talks about the temptation of Jesus in the following terms: 

"Jesus, however, is very clear in his response [to the devil]: “I don’t have to prove that I am worthy of love. I am the Beloved of God, the One on whom God’s favor rests.” It was that victory over the “Tempter” that set Jesus free to choose for the compassionate life. O God, help me know that I am your beloved child." -Journey of the Heart Lenten Reflections at p.5 

He goes on to say that we are worth more than the result of our efforts and I suppose that's because from way back in the beginning (Genesis 1:27), we were made in his image. It is by virtue of the beauty, fragility and truth of our common humanity that we are loved by God. You can use humanist rights language for this same concept if it sits better.

May you recognize in your life, the presence, power and light of your soul.
May you realize that you are never alone,
That your soul in its brightness and belonging
connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe.
May you have respect for your own individuality and difference.
May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique,
that you have a special destiny here,
That behind the facade of your life
there is something beautiful, good, and eternal happening.
May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride,
and expectation with which God sees you in every moment. 

- John O'Donohue's A Blessing of Solitude in Anam Cara 

Etty Hillesum, a Jewish woman murdered in Auschwitz came to her own sense of faith unconstrained by orthodox teachings. Her faith was based on trust, intuition and reflection. She wrote:

There is a really deep well inside me. And in it dwells God. Sometimes I am there too. But more often stones and grit block the well, and God is buried beneath. Then God must be dug out again.

So we dig God out. Or at least make an effort in that direction. Basil Hume, Benedictine Archbishop of Westminster from 1976 to 1998 says, "It is helpful to remember that wanting to love God may well be as far as we can go." (To Be a Pilgrim at p.31)

Let us therefore love god, because God first hath loved us

1 John 4:19

Hume continues, "[w]e have to hang on to the fact of God's love for us. That demands courage and tenacity" (emphasis added). Jesus says to us "Take courage! It is I" and when fear or circumstances diminish our faith and we cry out for help, as did Peter in Matthew 14: 22-33, He immediately reaches out to catch us telling us there is no need to doubt.

I'll finish with this: It seems that all we have to do in order to experience God's love is to choose to come home to Him. We can even go squander his money on all sorts of less than virtuous things (as did the Prodigal Son in Luke 15: 11-32) and He will still welcome us with open arms.

Now that that's all worked out, I just have to come to believe it.  

Lord, I believe;help my unbeliefMark 9:24